I’ll probably delete this app soon !! Goodbye tumblr !!

How you’ve served me in my early 20s

I was deleting pictures on my Instagram and found these two from when I was 24. That was probably the LOWEST point in my life, right before several rehab stints. I’d stopped eating and carried around 40s of vodka in my purse. Yes I know I’ve always had “issues” with drinking and over drinking but at 24 I was a full blown alcoholic my health started deteriorating and I was told I needed to detox.

Lookig at those first two pictures — makes my heart so sad. For so many damn years I spent miserable with myself. I was my worst enemy and I chose stay stuck and Feed into my bad horrible life threatening coping mechanisms.

Those pictures I see emptiness. I was empty I was a shell. I was a nobody and I was ok with dying any day. I didn’t experience joy. I was buzzed 24/7 or horribly hungover

I spent 3 years after rehab on/off sober. Contemplating if I was an “alcoholic”. When I started to get my life together I thought why can’t I drink ! I definitely won’t abuse it anymore. I only abused it because I was SO depressed. Like my eating disorder behaviour.

I finally “got sober” April 29 2018. For me that means no alcoholic no drugs. I’ve stopped wondering if I can entertain it for a bit. Because I probably CAN handle myself IN THE BEGINNING. And I know what I get myself into and it doesn’t stay casual for me. For me being in recovery means I NEED to be free of mind or mood alternating substances. I need to be in the moment and live. After years of wishing I could drink “normally” while I was sober (and then relapsed), I’m finally in a place where I don’t wonder what if!!! I don’t miss it or feel left out. I have no issues with people around me drinking. I’ve conquered so many personal fears. It’s almost unbelievable to myself

I don’t attend AA. I never vibed with it and that’s okay. What I attribute so much of my sobriety to is me discovering spinning. I found a workout I loved. And it taught me so much about my body, pushing your boundaries, pushing yourself out of your comfort zone, conquering fears, being consistent !! Being accountable! I’ve workout out every day for months now and my favourite part of my day is my 6am spin class before work. It’s a total lifestyle change that’s given me so much confidence and helped me overcome so many prior body and eating disorder behaviours. Everything in balance and moderation ! I eat a lot more. I don’t count calories. I eat what I want. I make good meals. I cook !!!

So I’m almost 29 and I feel like I’m getting a second chance at life. I went for an audition at my spin studio the other day for a spin isntudtor. I didn’t make it to the third round of auditions and that’s ok. There was a 10 year time period when I thought the only way I could get out my comfort Zone and push myself was if I was loaded.

I feel and look better than I ever have. And I’m just so fucking grateful for where I am, what I’ve been through, my past, my present, and optimistic that I have a future.

🖤🖤🖤🖤

Hello 2018, 2017 was fucked and then it wasn’t. What an up and down year. Who would have thunk id end up living with my boyfriend (first time living with a partner officially) after all the craziness we went through in 16/17. Who would have thought I’d still have a job given my performance in 16/17. I turned it around but I still have more positive growth to do.

I need hobbies, making friends is still extremely hard, I need to focus back on eating healthier and not just eating bread, pizza and junk because “I prefer it”. And I don’t need to drink beers every night because I feel I’ve “earned it”. Just because my boyfriend smokes pot often and it irks me doesn’t mean I *need to be *even by indulging in what I like, beers. And mental health, I’m way too (and always been) codependent on my partner (like previous scenario). I need to be more independent in my thinking and acting. I need to do things for myself. I need to seriously budget because I shop compulsively.

I never post on here but my social anxiety is still awake and active even though I try to pretend largely it isn’t (how do I work in it how ?!?!?). In a controlled setting like work it’s easier now for me to prepare for that social situation and when I really get along with someone they suggest we hang out outside work and I’m all like “yeah for sure!” Knowing I won’t follow up cause it scares the hell out of me even though I want to !!! Can I ever get over myself.

scorpiomess:

I hope the next thing I get addicted to is taking care of my self and loving my body

(via uglywolfpup-blog)

Went 13 days without fighting now I’m on the couch being stubborn

I’m massively insecure always have been I always doubt myself and doubt that people love and care about me howwwww do I work on this and get these bpd things off my brain

LOL

So it’s 11:15 and I had a fight with my bf who I am supposed to move in with and I want to punch him in the face OR drink more and get shitfaced.

just-shower-thoughts:

The most dangerous game is resting your eyes after you turned off the alarm clock in the morning

(via jccxxii)

I may be being a little dramatic

But I’m sure I’m going to be transferred to a new store and I’m going to embrace it with open arms. I freaking love where I work and all the people. But life is about change is it not

Sucks that having bpd makes it tough to deal with change and feelings of abandonment but I know I’ll be okay. Several years ago I couldn’t deal with things like this without self medicating heavily. I surprise myself by how far I’ve come. I’ve had blips, I fell down again last year from sept-dec/march ish. But I am persevering. I welcome challenges. I strive to be healthy. I choose life and in 2014 I chose death so look at that !!!

💕💕💕🙏🙏🙏

Not doing the self care thing today

It’s crazy how fast two coolers get to you when you’re sober for like a week and also don’t eat intentionally hah